INTRODUCING THE GODDESS'S NEW BLOG ASSISTANTI am Wilma Proops and I have been given the enormous duty of keeping The Goddess of Football's blog updated. As I also write the ONLY COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE in the world this is a huge responsibility and I only hope I can live up to it. Fortunately, although I'm a Liverpudlian (a native of Liverpool, England, aka a Scouser) I don't support any particular side and I'm partial to David Beckham too - so SHE can't punish me if I fail HER. I think this keeps our relationship on a even keel. SHE knows that I'm really enjoying my time by Posh and Becks pool and offering lots of advice to Hollywood celebs (including some much needed by Tom Cruise - but I won't nore you with that here.) Now, to the matter in hand, the words and predictions of The Only True Goddess of Football. Worship HER and your team will win, deny HER and they will lose.
THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL ENJOYS LIFE IN LA
The Goddess of Football left the following message on my answer phone and instructions to me to publish it here, on HER blog. SHE makes no apology for neglecting to update this blog since the start of the new season. SHE spends much of HER time nowadays in LA, by the side of HER favourite on Earth's luxurious pool or relaxing beneath the shade in his adjoining orchard. However, SHE was in Chelsea this week causing mischief and taking HER fun . . .
SHE WILL PUNISH ALL FOR LAPSES
"Tell the sad, mortal men that I haven't forgotten them and advise them not to slip into their bad old ways - unless they want to experience defeat and utter football humiliation. Warn them that I am gifted with the powers of retrospective sight and can view their worship (or lack of it), like they do DVDs of their special games. They will not be forgiven lapses in worship nor hygeine".
DENNIS WISE AND LEEDS UNITED
"Tell them about Dennis Wise. Remind them of Wisey's 2006/7 season for this is an excellent example of what befalls those that refuse to honour me and never dance naked in front of MY shrine. Relegation was Wisey's first punishment in your sad previous season - and the delicious second were the points deducted. [The Goddess of Football laughed at this point of the message for about two minutes]. Then tell them how Wisey started dancing afront MY shrine. How he has reliquished his master bedroom, with its divine south facing view of lawns and river beyond, and made it a chapel in which he worships me daily. They will no doubt know that Wisey has not lost a game - home or away - this season. This most exquisite dancer struts his naked stuff well for me - he is an adventurous mover - and I will continue to reward him as long as he and all Leeds United supporters give prayers to ME, the Only True Goddess of Football."
JOSE LEAVES CHELSEA ~ PUNISHMENT FOR BECKHAM JEALOUSY
"Confirm to MY followers that the problemas at Chelsea have been aroused by ME. Ask them, did they see MY follower live on the Channel 5 News about Jose leaving? Did they see MY follower do as he was instructed and hoist as instructed the sign saying "F*CK OF MUHRINO"? [I added the *.] Jose was and is one of MY favourites on earth - I cannot resist this sexy little man and phwoar does his dance seductively for ME. Sometimes though, no matter how diligent a follower is, they need a little reminder of my far-reaching powers. No matter how good, I will not permit jealousy and I'm afraid that Jose became jealous of my favourite on Earth - David Beckham."
JOSE AND SIR ALEX ~ MAN U v CHELSEA 24th SEPTEMBER 2007
"Ask them, was it nice of Sir Alex to say he will "miss Jose"? Tell them, he didn't really want to say this at all and I had to prevent him from saying "Good riddance, little man". As for Sunday, when Chelsea travel to Old Trafford I'm likely going to please both Alex and Jose with a comprehesive thrashing of the Blues. But who knows - imagine Alex's face should the Reds become thrashed - you know how I enjoy seeing grown men cry! Either way, you'll all know if I'm there. If I decide to sun myself in LA it will be a very boring draw"The Goddess ended her message thus:
"Take care thee sad mortal men ~ be mindful it is I, Your Only True Goddess of Football, decides who will win and who will lose"